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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?   "Little Delbert says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”             The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Delbert, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.   "And how about you, Sarah?"   "I wanna be Delbert’s whore ..." Little Delbert	Paraprosdokians:  First I heard about 'paraprosdokians', I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. 1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list. 3.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright      until you hear them speak. 4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5.  We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public. 6.  War does not determine who is right, only who is left. 7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 9.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of       emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor." 11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 12.  I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 13.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing     in a garage makes you a car. 14. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 15. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.	"Greetings' to use  when you meet new people. Say...… Hi You look just like my parole officer.. Hi my name is ______ You may be wondering why I am wearing a mask Hi My Name is --------- Some people think I am creepy but I proved I wasn't in court.. Hi .Sorry I am late, I couldn't find a vein. Hi my name is----------- It is nice to meet you I just got out of witness protection. I promise I will do no harm to you or your family. You look like a survivalist. We need a safe word and a place to hide. Hi I can't wait to never see you again as soon as possible. Hi Pleased to meet you. ------- Has told me all about you and don't worry your secret is safe with me. Another greeting Hi my name is _______ The man The Myth The legend Sometimes known as The 'Boogeyman.' or " Before I introduce myself and befriend you I first must tell you that I am " An Inter-dimensional over-lord.' Then say " Hi I'm --------------" Stare  and say " I am a Living monument." And Another I stand before you lord of darkness. I am your servant ________. Ask of me what you desire When being introduced to a number of the #METOO movement Say "I must apologize for being poor with remembering names would it ok if I  just call you G-Spot? or Sugar Tits Honey Buns Sweet Cheeks Doll Face Sugar Gal Chick Sweet lips When meeting anyone for the first time say. " I need you to get me $500.00 quick your life is in danger, I have  no further comment." Introduce yourself to the host of the party______ " Hello I just used your bathroom and I ran out of toilet paper so I used one of your washcloths and when I flushed it down the toilet it backed up the plumbing and now there is water and feces everywhere sorry. Where's the bar? "I am Hunger,cold, darkness and the stain upon your soul. Pleased to meet you.." When you meet a new couple say to the guy " You know your wife would look a lot better if you would just put some lipstick on that pig." When you are first introduced to some ones newborn child, point at it and step back and gasp as you yell," Satin." Excuse me aren't you in my predator rehab class? Excuse me but I thought you were in my Suicide prevention class and wondered what happened to you. Conversation Crashers If someone, usually a yackey female, approaches you and you do NOT want to be involved When asked what do you do for a living? Say I am 'Chief Deputy Director of The Ventura Humane Society's Canine Euthanasia Program. if that doesn't work immediately add "Puppy Division.   'IF A GUY' Nice to meet you. We are looking for investors and it's nice to get new money in the game. If that does work tell him you are trying to developed a marketing plan to introduce flavored Windex. Can we put you down for for 50K? If still a no,different colors A Salutation And always remember... The bird doesn't sing because it has the answer.. it sings because it has a song...and also remember Don't pay in advance or Always remember don't run with scissors When Someone says "How are you?" Say   "Each day is worse than the last." When you have difficulty hearing Say You have such a lovely voice but you speak so softly would you please repeat. Thank you If a chick IF A GUY HUH? To a bill collector Beat it punk, You're gonna get your dough tomorrow. If someone ever asks you what you think of them. SAY You are a meaningless shit stuck in the fucking void. But you already knew that or you wouldn't have asked During Mormon Sex Oh God Oh God The one true Abraham Oh God	WISH LIST Halley's Comet Done 1986 where Iguazu Falls Machu Picchu DONE !0-19-18 ? Learn to play 'Lady of Spain,' on the accordion. 'Flatlining' Learn all the words to the song 'Muskrat Love.' Go to an R. Kelly Concert While in 'Black Face,' Sing 'Mama's Little Baby Loves Shortening Bread' On a Saturday Night at The 'Apollo' Theater INSULTS "If thinking uses oxygen you must be able to stay underwater for at least an hour." "Call me condescending, you don't even know how to spell condescending." " Your Mother only reinforces the argument for late-term abortion." Yo mama's face looks like a Thanksgiving Day Toilet after a turkey recall. Backhanded Comments 'I love it's informality." "It speaks for itself." "If you'd just been informed." "I don't assume."  WHEN ASKED By your Masseuse "Where does it hurt?" Say "It feels a little ropey on the lower left side of my prostate." Or Ask your banker if you can use your beer can collection as collateral Greeting Cards Anniversary You are the best wife I have ever had.. so far Grateful When I get up in the morning I say, "Oh fuck I didn't die." Favorite Adult Sites Chubby Latina Matures Folding Laundry Shy British Dominatrix Knows HowTo Please Using Garden Variety Tubers Shy Classy Mature being chased in an abandoned warehouse by a red headed girl scout 香港悶騷靚女遊戲手淫露出直播馬來西亞直播 List of Playboy Playmates of the Month She's Homewrecker The Fappening TV Greatest Pick Up Line Ever Say I bet you never had any problem getting laid. when she smiles say Me neither if there is a nod ask Are you in for a sexual adventure? Mention you are a sexual cannibal When you meet an older woman,in the proper environment, Immediay,' All my favorites porn sites are of older woman and it gets right to the point OR 'How many shots of tequila would it take for you to sleep with me?" If You are caught in a embarrassing moment on your Computer tell the intruder that Because of the 4K content you have been advised by an optimist that staring at the images in  will relax the eye muscles and that it may correct your vision back to normal. TikTok Videos Observations	Watched "Funny You Should Ask" and heard something that I thought was funny.  It was directed to Louie Anderson. "True or false.  A 70 year old lady, ran 70 marathons in 70 different countries"?  His answer.  "In an unrelated subject, I slept till noon". Luv, Lil Marietta Doll Johnny Bob from Preskitt   INTERESTING JOB TITLES Adjunct Professor of Business Ethics and Humanities at Trump University. Honorary Chairman and Special Counsel   to the  National Turmeric Advisory Review Board SpaceEX Chief Navigator on The Mars One Mission Supreme Universal Light The Royal Oak of Living Glory The Well Of Living Waters The Universal Collector of Shared Needs National Chairman and CEO of the Bloat and Brain fog Alliance Paranormal Investigator and Toad Stool visionary Ayahuasca Facilitator and Amazonian Adventure Guide Inspector General for The British Ministery of Oral Hygiene Ancient Alien Theorist Personal confidante and Fashion Designer to Pope Francis When someone asks your religion ( taboo along with politics and sex these subjects can turn a friend into the opposition in a second.) What religion are you? 'I worship 'Sobek' the Crocodile God. From ancient Egyptian pantheon, you know the Old Kingdom.. If you need more ammo to get them to leave add. That when I die I want to have a  'Death by Crocodile.' usually works for me. Major cult center Crocodilopolis, Faiyum, Kom Ombo Symbolcrocodile Consort Renenutet[1] or Meskhenet [citation needed] ParentsSet/Khnum and Neith[2]	Note to my sister Regarding visiting them this summer Hi little doll I just tried to see how the summer schedule looked at the Hawasuhana hotel looked this summer. They asked if I had ever been a guest before and of course I said yes. She asked my name and She put me on hold for a couple minutes and said That I was not welcome as a guest anymore. While we were there I went to the bathroom while taking a shower, like I am sure everyone does, she explained that my overuse of toilet paper clogged their pipeline and cost them several hundreds of dollars to have repaired. I told them that was odd as I never had that happen in my sisters’s shower. love ya Take care Sent from my iPhone= Five Facts 1.    A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 2.    We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 3.    Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks PRICELESS. 4.    Breaking News: Condoms dont guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 5.    Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences but will grab whatever is available.                                                                   I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds about right. Mexican Idioms "Nunca te acerques a un cocodrilo mientras acaricias un pollo." "Never go near a crocodile while petting a chicken." "Siempre asegúrese de que haya suficiente papel higiénico para Montezuma." "Always make sure there is enough toilet paper for Montezuma." "Nunca montar un burro mientras usa Tijeras." "Never ride a burro while using scissors." ENVY If you feel life has been unfair, missed opportunities, unloved, bullied, poor choices ,poor outcomes, you will be happy to know that in the inevitable end the playing field will be leveled for all And The Biggest Reward No more car payments Do you buy things because they are cool or do you buy things so other people will think you are cool? Ego knows no truth. Unexpected compliment from my wife " Nice Fart." ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION " I don't know this is God's work." When applying for a loan DO NOT tell the loaner officer that you're going to take the money and move to Brazil.     Challenges   The First Annual University of California at Berkeley Bleach Jugging Contest   The Passing of Common Sense
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These glorious insults are from an earlier era delivered by  people who really knew how to wield the English language.   A member of Parliament to Disraeli:  "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” "That depends, Sir,"  said Disraeli,  "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy ." -Walter Kerr " He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill " I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his   friends." -Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."                                                                                                                                                     -Groucho Marx	The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' "You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."	How to Hang a Spoon on Your Nose The Antikythera Mechanism – A 2000-Year-Old Impossibility		An Obituary printed In The London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!! Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; - I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.  If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.	10 WAYS TO MAKE THINGS FLOAT - HOW TO MAGIC
SECRET CONFESSION OF A HIGHRISEAHOLIC USER I have, through trial and error, to build a Cross Dimensional Overlap. The CDO will allow the subject the ability to visit any time or place in infinity. This is achieved by ingesting HIGHRISE #highrizeca new strain of cross pollenated plant which boost the THC content 250X. I am planning my trip to go back in time several decades, as a younger self. My problem is do I want to hook up with Dua Lipa or Miley Cyrus. Got to get back to the lab. Have you tried their new Pineapple Mango tequila infused ganja? I think Dua because I know that Miley would get to possessive. All Changed in an instant...SIA Highrise is having a Name That Strain Contests Free Tee Shirts to the Best Ones	Jimmy Carr "The Nasty Show"	Tone by Tone Photography	Jack Aiello 8th Grader Graduation Speech	25 Crazy Airport Encounters	The Mexican maid asked the wife for a pay increase.   This upset the wife and she asked: "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"   Maria : "Well, Señora , there are three reasons why I wanna increase."              "The first is that I iron better than you."   Wife : "Who said you iron better than me?"   Maria : " Jorhuzban he say so."   Wife : "Oh yeah?"   Maria : "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."   Wife : "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"   Maria : "Jorhozban did."   Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"   Maria : "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."   Wife:  (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth): "And did my husband say that as well?"   Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."   Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
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